Book Review: The Way I Used To Be

Synopsis

Eden had always been a paragon of virtue, and her inherent goodness remained unwavering as she entered high school. However, her life was shattered the night her brother’s best friend perpetrated a heinous act of sexual assault against her. This traumatic event made Eden’s world a tailspin, upending everything she once held dear.

Activities and relationships that had once brought her joy filled her with revulsion. Her perceptions and beliefs, once steadfast, were reduced to lies. The aftermath left her reeling, struggling to make sense of the senseless. Though she knew she should confide in someone about the assault, she found herself unable to speak the truth, instead burying the pain and her former self beneath a façade of silence.

My thoughts

The Way I Used To Be” is a masterfully crafted book that embodies beauty and horror. The beauty lies in its exquisite writing style, well-developed characters, and powerful themes of resilience and strength. However, the horror is inextricably linked to the heart-wrenching narrative, which follows Eden’s traumatic experience and her subsequent struggles.

The author’s skilful balancing of these two aspects creates a captivating and thought provoking reading experience. The juxtaposition of beauty and horror makes this book truly remarkable, leaving a lasting impact on readers.

The author’s ability to tackle difficult subjects with sensitivity and nuance makes this book stand out. It forces readers to confront the harsh realities of trauma while offering a message of hope and resilience.

The novel is structured into four sections, each representing a year of Eden’s high school journey. Through this framework, we witness the immediate aftermath of Eden’s sexual assault and its profound, long-term impact on her life. As the story unfolds, we see how the assault permeates every aspect of her existence, eroding her trust in her family, her friendship with Mana, her sense of self-presentation, and her interactions with others.

The significant changes in Eden’s life are often triggered by external factors, particularly the spread of rumours about her supposed promiscuity. Paradoxically, Eden finds it easier to embrace this false narrative, using it as a shield to protect herself, even if it means alienating those around her. This coping mechanism, though misguided, temporarily provides a sense of security and control in the face of overwhelming trauma.

While the primary focus of this book is on Eden’s journey and her transformative struggles following a traumatic rape, a subtle yet poignant romantic element is woven throughout the narrative. Josh, the love interest, brings a delightful complexity to his role, blending confidence and vulnerability in a way that makes his character relatable and endearing.

As he navigates his feelings for Eden, he struggles to understand her erratic behaviour, which oscillates between warmth and distance, a manifestation of her inner turmoil as she grapples with panic, loss of control, and emotional chaos.

The story begins with a powerful and haunting scene, where Eden’s assault is depicted with a judicious balance of subtlety and impact, allowing the reader to intensely connect with her distress, confusion, horror, and numbness.

As the narrative unfolds, Eden’s life unravels, her sense of control slipping further away, even as she strives to reclaim her strength and individuality, making for a heart-wrenching and thought-provoking exploration of trauma, resilience, and the complexities of human emotion.

When Eden’s family fails to acknowledge or downplay the signs of her suffering, she responds by becoming increasingly confrontational and self-destructive. As her behaviour escalated through risky activities like unprotected sex, excessive alcohol consumption, and drug use, I anticipated a catastrophic meltdown. However, despite her downward spiral, Eden never completely loses control.

Instead, the subtle changes in her behaviour poignantly reveal her distress, such as addressing her parents by their first names instead of “mom” and “dad”.

Throughout her struggles, Eden remains a remarkably relatable and endearing character. She showcases impressive strength and resilience. Her determination to stand up for herself, even if she can’t bring herself to reveal the truth about her assault, is admirable.

The novel’s structure, divided into four chapters, provides a seamless and continuous portrayal of Eden’s journey, with no feeling of missing pieces or abrupt changes. The narrative flows beautifully, capturing Eden’s gradual transformation.

The author skillfully crafts a pivotal moment in the story where Eden must decide whether to continue down her destructive path or confront her secrets and seek help. This turning point allows Eden to shine as the protagonist, making her ultimate decision a testament to her growth and agency.

A significant aspect of this narrative revolves around the scrutiny and judgment that girls face based on their perceived sexual behaviour, whether real or rumoured. Eden becomes a target of such rumours long before she actively engages in sexual activities. Despite the harsh treatment she receives from her peers, her friend Mara remains a steadfast and non-judgmental supporter, expressing concern without condemnation. Similarly, Josh strives to understand Eden’s struggles, demonstrating a supportive and accepting attitude.

The book’s conclusion is nothing short of exceptional. It provides a satisfying and empowering ending that reinforces the story’s core message: Eden’s journey towards self-empowerment and belief in herself. The poignant line, “And I’m just a girl, a girl who needs to pick up her own pieces and put them back together herself,” resonates deeply, encapsulating the essence of the narrative.

This book is a masterful exploration of trauma, resilience, and personal growth, making it a must-share. The publisher generously provided a complimentary copy in exchange for an honest review, allowing me to experience and share this thought-provoking and beautifully crafted story.